The human embodiment of “I run this s***”, Nat Knews is the most experienced anchor of SatirEcho. Previously employed with Gabby (may she rest in peace), Nat now works apathetically alongside the overly-committed Doreen Coreen. In fact, now that I think about it, Nat doesn’t really give the rest of us much thought… but I digress. Nat Knews is dedicated to furthering their own career and monetary gain and does this by securing debatably legal advertising deals for the show.
Nat Knews is also quite the narcissist. According to a rumor going around, they were seen at a restaurant eating at a table for two with a mirror occupying the other seat… it must have been quite the surreal experience. But despite all of that, Nat is the face of SatirEcho, and we owe much of our success to them.
Nat enjoys simple things like throwing money in the air to remind themselves of the feeling of raining bills, excessive self-care, and undermining everyone in the studio.
One of the many fresh faces of SatirEcho, Doreen Coreen was hired as Nat’s new co-anchor for this season of SatirEcho. The title of co-anchor is a title that required a bit of debate among the crew; “shadow” would be a more accurate term. Never seen farther than 4 feet away from Nat at all times in the studio, Doreen follows Nat like a disease. It scares me, and I’m not even studio personnel! When rarely seen outside of the aforementioned four-foot radius, Doreen has their eyes glued to Nat like a freaking hawk.
It’s undeniable that Doreen has talent though, as they deliver the news with concern when needed while keeping things relatively entertaining. The best example is the squirrel re-enactment in the second episode of this season. The story hit hard and jerked tears while also being an entertaining and outlandish story for the audience.
Doreen enjoys being around Nat Knews, dressing like Nat Knews, scaring off anyone who gets close to Nat Knews, dreaming about Nat Knews… and well everything that has to do with Nat Knews! But on a personal note, they seem to have an almost protective attitude towards a certain pen of theirs that I noticed once…
Like a nuclear bomb but radiating professionalism instead of life-harming radiation, Kerri Berri has the most experience in the studio just in general. Coming from Suncoast News 7, Kerri brought with him an outlandish fashion sense, an intimidating personality, and an unusual knack for portraying different personalities. Kerri is often seen giving a mean side-eye to Nat Knews in the studio that gives people conniptions at the mere thought of it!
Kerri brought a very specific thing to SatirEcho though, which was their signature segment “What’s Scary with Kerri”, where he interviews people about what scares them the most in their everyday lives. Kerri has interviewed characters such as Lane Merge, and even the elusive Davy Sockett.
Kerri enjoys feeding his superiority complex, drilling people about their fears, changing outfits three times a day, and eating at least two heaping plates of Totino’s Pizza Rolls for lunch and dinner. At least, I think he does, if I read that right… no, it’s right.
The audio guy for SatirEcho and part-time actor for the show, Boom Mike has been with SatirEcho for as long as Nat has. He experienced the rise and fall of Gabby, (R.I.P.) and the legendary tragedy of Wyatt Rain, our previous weatherman. There’s not a whole lot to say about him other than the fact that he has a jack-of-all-trades skill set, allowing him to be exceptional in terms of audio and mediocre at best in acting. Oh, and it’s also worth mentioning that Boom and Nat are almost constantly at each other’s throats behind the camera. Like a soap opera on the set of a satirical news show.
Boom likes puppies, long walks on the beach, Nature Valley granola bars, and laughing at children who drop their ice cream at boardwalks. Why did I include that last one? That’s revenge for all the lunch money you took from me in middle school, Boom! You can’t edit this stuff, so come at me, Gingerbread!
Have you ever met someone that makes you feel like you have to say “shut up” before they even speak? That’s Lane Merge. A small man whose thoughts are loud enough to hear in this box I call my cubicle (which is around 100 feet away from the studio through a maze of hallways), you really can’t blame him for being loud. Lane directed traffic for a living, so he needed a voice that doubled as a natural megaphone in order to earn his rather low paycheck. He began caring about traffic after some kind of incident involving a scooter, but he refuses to give us details and instead resorts to screaming.
Since being hired by SatirEcho, lane directs traffic on the down-low and uses what he sees to create traffic reports for the show. He makes sure that people are well-informed on the rules of the road and get to their destinations swiftly! He’s been as far up as the North Pole, even! Someone had to bribe Santa to bring him back (with stolen money Nat Knews refuses to pay us with) before he froze to death. Nat seems to get a certain amount of ecstasy from making him as miserable as possible, but he does his job with a convincing fake smile on his face and enthusiasm on his lips!
Lane enjoys watching cars go by on the road, screaming at said cars as they drive by, and having a casual conversation with his neighbor 4 doors down the road while sitting in his driveway. I heard that the conversations are pretty one-sided, though.
The resident sportscaster for SatirEcho, Don Sportsbyfore has a pretty simple job. He stands in the studio and talks about sports to an audience of people that have no idea what he’s talking about (or do and just choose not to say anything). He always wears shades in the studio, despite it being kinda dark in there. Even I haven’t gotten an explanation, but I choose not to question the bullet-pointed detail lists I’m given to write these things.
Don is a pretty bland person otherwise. No one in the studio knows what he’s like at home, only that he likes sports. Many people question his knowledge but don’t want to say anything in case they make him angry. Apparently, he tackled Boom Mike once. Baller.
Don enjoys watching sports, doing immense research on sports websites, playing little-known sports (he was in a Beyblade tournament once), and making jokes that only he laughs at.