Let’s Start a War by Mitchell Miller

2018-2019 Magazine Featured Piece

An interview with the author

The Doomsday Clock, a symbol representing the risks faced by humanity, is
two minutes from midnight or total annihilation.

So, let’s just start a nuclear war. That’s right, everyday the news is flooded
with reports of threats about nuclear war between countries and the outcry of what such an event would cause. But while most of the world cowers in fear at the prospect of atomic annihilation, frankly it’s about time someone grows a pair and presses that button already. America’s nuclear arsenal is like a pin-up girl; attention grabbing, mass-produced, and hoarded in secret locations by old men who don’t want the “kids” getting ahold of it.

People who are against nuclear war are just too daft to comprehend the overwhelming number of benefits that come from such a decisive action. A leader who takes charge is one to be followed and preemptively launching America’s arsenal of world ending missiles is truly the mark of a strong and competent leader.

President Trump’s infamous slogan, “America First,” is exactly the mindset
we need in these trying times. Back in the day, America was always first: first to fly, first to the moon, and we have been given a golden opportunity to be the first to start a nuclear holocaust. An opportunity like this comes once in a presidency, and we must act now.

Just imagine when your horribly mutated children are asked what their country ever did for this world, they can smile with pride knowing their ancestors created the barren irradiated wasteland they live in (assuming they can still smile, it’s possible their face might melt or burn off under the intense heat that’s sure to choke the planet.

Was it not Ghandi who said, “Do it, you won’t,” when confronted by ba ton-wielding British, who threatened to beat him?* In a sense we too can be
like Ghandi, by declaring nuclear war and wiping out all the oppressors in the world who want to do the innocent harm. Not to mention, if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that nuclear war would be totally rad. Shooting, looting, and extra limbs as the result of radiation; where does one sign up? After all, who makes that many movies about the end of the world if they don’t want to actually end the world?

But most importantly, we must resort to nuclear war because we as a coun try, have been horribly insulted. Trump, our brave president*, took it upon
himself to call out the leader of the DPRK, Kim Jung-Un, as the maniacal
“Rocket Man” he is.

Kim Jung-Un responded by calling Trump a “mentally deranged U.S. dotard.”* The only logical way to respond to such an affront is a preemptive nuclear strike against North Korea for their leader’s mean words. After all if we as a country aren’t willing to use weapons of mass destruction in retaliation to attacks on our country’s ego, can we really call ourselves civilized?


Footnotes:
*It was not Ghandi
*There is no conclusive proof President Trump is indeed brave
*Dotard has no relation to Homer Simpson’s catchphrase “doh!”